Tuesday, August 10, 2010

(long question) do not know what to do or how to do it...or where to even begin?

I've been friends with someone from Europe for about 4 years. We've gotten closer the past few years (which I would've never expected).

Around late 2008 she finally discovers my feelings for her. I was afraid knowing that the truth was set free. But once she knew she told me not to be ashamed and that her ';heart is beating like crazy too.'; She also said ';I can't think of a way we could share our love more, but if you do, I'm open for that.'; However I couldn't find a way..reason being is because of the tremendous amount of distance between us..and plus I felt awkward. So we kept it as is.

About 3 or 4 months later, while she was on vacation, we spoke and in the middle of our convo she mentions how she has a hard time logging off on me despite the fact that she's 6hours ahead and half asleep on her laptop. She also revealed how she use to fantasize about us meeting and hoped to meet me in her dreams. Few weeks after that we got in the habit of falling asleep together. She kept pointing out things that were ';ours'; as if we were in a relationship. 90% of the time she wanted to fall asleep with me there. However...Here's the confusing part. One of those nights we were up late chit chatting until everyone else left and we were the only ones up. She randomly asks if i was crushing on anyone. I hesistated and said No. Then she goes ';but you've been dating me every night!'; I was speechless. I really didn't know what to say. But she brought up the subject on us meeting one day. The following morning i msg her, responding to the question she asked me that night. I told her that my crush was her. She was very happy to hear that. she responded back saying how i make her feel good and how we help each other balance life etc... but because of the distance she said ';but i dont love you in a lovers way...we can't hug, watch each other deep in the eye, make love, make fights, make dinner, do stuff. :('; Which is understandable because that is the reality of it.

The following month we were suppose to meet but plans didnt go accordingly and she was feeling depressed around that time. She started dating again and i couldn't help but feel like ****. The person she was dating didnt go far..at all. I recall her mentioning how she was feeling ';lonely'; and also say ';I miss having a close one...someone like you but in real'; and by ';close one'; she meant soulmate.

After her ex practically trashed her and used her. I felt like pouring out everything.. Everything that has been bothering me. I emailed her a very long email. It was a very emotional email and had both of us in tears. But her response made sense..I'm still having a hard time fully accepting that though.

This whole thing just confuses me... It seemed like before she DID have feelings for me and then just accepted reality. So she seeked love within her distance. But none of them worked out so far. Now that she's moved on with her life i'm still stuck in this fantasy world.. It sucks. i even try avoiding her but its simply impossible being that we're still very close friends... I really wanna get over it now but its easier said then done. I wonder if we ever meet, will this all just go away??(long question) do not know what to do or how to do it...or where to even begin?
Eventually, yes, it will go away. You have a great emotional attachment to her, and that's why it hurts.

Long distance relationships aren't a good idea unless you understand how to ';play the game.'; There is something to needing someone physically. You were her emotional stability, but eventually it isn't enough, you need to be able to physically touch someone.

Unless you moved there, or she moved here, even if you'd met, I don't think it could have worked. Maybe it's better this way because if you had met her it would be that much harder to leave when she had to go back to Europe. And you might have made some careless mistakes.

I'm sorry. This sucks. But you will be able to move on. It will hurt, and it will be hard, but it will go away.

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